[whychina&neonsigns]

we all set out on journeys during our life. and i know the critical importance of seeking out God's desire for these journeys so that you can learn more about him and therefore glorify him more fully.

i spent the last two days on the cardiovascular unit. and although there are many stories to share about that experience in itself, i can't pass over the spiritual struggle that i am having. where is God? and what is his purpose for me being here?

i cannot fully articulate what i mean when i say, God is really hard to see here. it's not that he's not here. he surely is. in fact, i firmly believe that God is the only constant, especially here. we all have been stripped of our support systems, of our language, of the 'familiar', and all that is left is Christ. but this is a communist country and it is illegal for me to 'evangelize'. that doesn't mean that i can't talk about God and that i am unwilling to talk about God. heck, how cool would it be to understand Paul's persecution on that level?!? (mom & dad- don't worry, i won't get arrested). and this is where i cannot fully explain what i mean... i'm trying, stay with me. it's just not something that is socially acceptable to talk about in these environments thus, our conversations and questions about God are sometimes limited to the 4 of us. it's hard enough to articulate things about God in english, ten times harder in another language. but quite frankly, the four of us don't even talk about the hard stuff. it wasn't until 2 days ago, jordan and i had our first serious pillow talk. yesterday, i broke down in tears trying to ask her the questions i was struggling with. and she had the same questions and no answers-- and we prayed that we would seek out the hard questions and asked for grace and overwhelming peace in this time where we don't see God so clearly.

and this is where we are left with God's test and real faith is developed. i know it's important how you act when you don't feel God.

"blessed are those who endure when they are tested. when they pass the test, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."- james 1:12

the last two clinical days, the only question i was ever asked by patients and families is "why would you, an American, want to come to China??" quite frankly i wish that i had an answer. and again with the articulation thing, i can't really say, "this is where God challenged me to go, and i'm seeking out the same answer". it just doesn't translate.

we are looking for neon signs. preferably in english. but we are foreigners. not only in china, but as human beings on earth. our time is limited. and this morning i finally understood.

one. discontentment is a place that God puts you because we are created for something better than earth. two. God speaks Chinese. not quite chinese but a language i don't understand. his small chinese whisper was translated for me in the words, "why china" from my patients and their families. it's that little small affirmation that my questions are on the right track. i need to ask why. i need to "Keep doing what's right! At the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up!" -Galatians 6:9 (thanks for this reminder zach, it didn't go out the other ear today)

this is God's unfailing promise-- God will never let you go. he's right there, speaking Chinese, whispering "why china" and rooting for you to increase your faith, but stepping out and listening to the small Chinese whispers.